8:26:21 AM: Co-worker: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bristol_Stool_Scale
8:26:23 AM: Co-worker: Those two beasts I had a few days ago were def type 4.
8:27:39 AM: Me: That fact that there is a poop scale on wikipedia is awesome.
8:28:16 AM: Me: Ive been having a lot of type 6 lately. I wonder if it is from stress or my shitty diet.
8:28:46 AM: Co-worker: I'll go through phases it seems like.
8:28:52 AM: Co-worker: regarless of what I eat.
8:30:12 AM: Me: I don't always see a type 2...but when I do, I just spent twenty minutes trying to work it out and burst several capillaries in my face in the process.
8:32:53 AM: Co-worker: Yeah. Type 2 and 3 suck when they are all fat.
8:40:36 AM: Me: Have you ever had the kind where just the tip of the turd is painful? I have had a few type 2's where the tip of the turd felt like it had solidified into a rock the size of a tennis ball and it was trying to force its way out of my poor, tiny butthole. I would slowly work it out for like ten minutes, and then after the initial rock-hard lump was clear a torrential downpour of hell-tainted colon pudding followed. The euphoric feeling that I have for the rest of the day is magnificent though. After relieving my body and soul of a defilement that horrid I feel like I have been purified by some holy power and my essence begins to glow, like in the movie The Last Dragon when Bruce LeRoy fights Shonuff...
8:42:07 AM: Co-worker: That was beautiful.
Friday, August 3, 2012
Friday, July 23, 2010
Brainstorms
Ideas start as nothing and then, with the right imaginations, they can bloom into beautiful flowers. For example (I removed all email names because I was feeling too lazy to change them to something fake and funny):
Subject: best beer bottle ever
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38376048/ns/us_news-weird_news
RE: I love Scotland.
RE: I think it woulda been funnier if they had the beer pouring out the ass-end of the animals, rather than the mouth.
Someone needs to work on this. Jongo....get on it!
RE: Way to go Dicknose. That was the gayest thing that I have ever read!
RE: I'm here to please!
RE: I think we should just stuff Mexican Bob and use him as a keg holder...
RE: When I die my body is now property of that brewery!
RE:
Subject: best beer bottle ever
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/38376048/ns/us_news-weird_news
RE: I love Scotland.
RE: I think it woulda been funnier if they had the beer pouring out the ass-end of the animals, rather than the mouth.
Someone needs to work on this. Jongo....get on it!
RE: Way to go Dicknose. That was the gayest thing that I have ever read!
RE: I'm here to please!
RE: I think we should just stuff Mexican Bob and use him as a keg holder...
RE: When I die my body is now property of that brewery!
RE:
Monday, July 12, 2010
Vengeance
Me... I got an interview tomorrow for a premium audit/direct collections specialist position.
Cousin... Nice work!!!
Cousin... Is it there in Scottsdale?
Me... Yes.
Me... But I work with one of the people who is condcuting the interview and we don't exactly like each other.
Me... I'm going to try to destroy him in his own interview.
Cousin... You should interview him!!
Me... Just like Ivan Draggo: "If he dies...he dies."
Cousin...You are a piece of iron.
Me... What have you been up to lately besides only having one vagina to play with for the rest of your life?
Cousin... Not much.
Cousin... Playing Nintendo.
Cousin... Waiting for a decent movie to come out this summer.
Cousin... What have you been up to?
Cousin... I have been studying to take one of these stupid insurance exams...it will probably force me to end my life in a "Saw"-like death contraption.
Me... It will, i agree.
Me... I have been battling kidney stones and urinary tract infection for the last two weeks. I consider it a 30th birthday present from "God." He is so caring and gentle to those who curse his name constantly...
Cousin... WTF man!!! He is a vengeful god!!!
Me... I would not respect him at all if he didn't show me his rage every once in a while. Well played Lord, well played.
Cousin... Does it feel like your dang is a flamethrower?
Me... No, it feels more like my dank and right ball are constantly in a vice grip. My pee looks like chicken broth, and the meds are making me constipated. The lord is thorough with his vengence.
Cousin... He does not like those who challenge him for world superiority.
Me... I do have a strong desire for world conquest.
Me... ...and to disprove all of catholicism before I die. I guess I can understand how that would anger him.
Cousin... hahahahahaha...I just got back from a tubing conquest to conquer the mighty Iowa River.
Cousin... I am successfully working on 20 minutes of sleep in the last three days.
Cousin... Redbull is fueling my life right now.
Cousin... I don't even feel like I am alive.
Me... Let the bull guide thee...
Cousin... I was one with nature.
Cousin... and bud light.
Me... Has the mud butt hit you yet?
Cousin... I have been in the bathroom 5 times this morning.
Cousin... I almost didn't make it to work.
Cousin... My poop looks like chicken soup.
Me... Just like my pee.
Me... God's wrath.
Cousin... It feels like pee.
Cousin... I met some trailer trash from Fort Madison.
Me... True salt-o-the-earth Americans I presume?
Cousin... They were camped behind us and the shrieking biatch screamed until 5:30 in the morning yesterday.
Cousin... My buddies just about killed her.
Me... Why was she screaming?
Cousin... She was a drunk idiot.
Cousin... The booze just couldn't put her down.
Me... Why didn't someone throw her in the fire to see if she burned like wood?
Cousin... She was a fighter.
Me... Witches are made of wood...
Me... That is also why they float.
Me... I love Salem.
Cousin... They burned gay people too.
Me... They must be made of wood too. My guess is cork. It's great for plugging things.
Cousin... HAHAHAHA
Cousin... Nice work!!!
Cousin... Is it there in Scottsdale?
Me... Yes.
Me... But I work with one of the people who is condcuting the interview and we don't exactly like each other.
Me... I'm going to try to destroy him in his own interview.
Cousin... You should interview him!!
Me... Just like Ivan Draggo: "If he dies...he dies."
Cousin...You are a piece of iron.
Me... What have you been up to lately besides only having one vagina to play with for the rest of your life?
Cousin... Not much.
Cousin... Playing Nintendo.
Cousin... Waiting for a decent movie to come out this summer.
Cousin... What have you been up to?
Cousin... I have been studying to take one of these stupid insurance exams...it will probably force me to end my life in a "Saw"-like death contraption.
Me... It will, i agree.
Me... I have been battling kidney stones and urinary tract infection for the last two weeks. I consider it a 30th birthday present from "God." He is so caring and gentle to those who curse his name constantly...
Cousin... WTF man!!! He is a vengeful god!!!
Me... I would not respect him at all if he didn't show me his rage every once in a while. Well played Lord, well played.
Cousin... Does it feel like your dang is a flamethrower?
Me... No, it feels more like my dank and right ball are constantly in a vice grip. My pee looks like chicken broth, and the meds are making me constipated. The lord is thorough with his vengence.
Cousin... He does not like those who challenge him for world superiority.
Me... I do have a strong desire for world conquest.
Me... ...and to disprove all of catholicism before I die. I guess I can understand how that would anger him.
Cousin... hahahahahaha...I just got back from a tubing conquest to conquer the mighty Iowa River.
Cousin... I am successfully working on 20 minutes of sleep in the last three days.
Cousin... Redbull is fueling my life right now.
Cousin... I don't even feel like I am alive.
Me... Let the bull guide thee...
Cousin... I was one with nature.
Cousin... and bud light.
Me... Has the mud butt hit you yet?
Cousin... I have been in the bathroom 5 times this morning.
Cousin... I almost didn't make it to work.
Cousin... My poop looks like chicken soup.
Me... Just like my pee.
Me... God's wrath.
Cousin... It feels like pee.
Cousin... I met some trailer trash from Fort Madison.
Me... True salt-o-the-earth Americans I presume?
Cousin... They were camped behind us and the shrieking biatch screamed until 5:30 in the morning yesterday.
Cousin... My buddies just about killed her.
Me... Why was she screaming?
Cousin... She was a drunk idiot.
Cousin... The booze just couldn't put her down.
Me... Why didn't someone throw her in the fire to see if she burned like wood?
Cousin... She was a fighter.
Me... Witches are made of wood...
Me... That is also why they float.
Me... I love Salem.
Cousin... They burned gay people too.
Me... They must be made of wood too. My guess is cork. It's great for plugging things.
Cousin... HAHAHAHA
Friday, October 23, 2009
Determination
When the inspiration comes it brings friends, and those friends bring their friends, and then those friends bring more friends who steal all your stuff. Today Inspiration decided to punch Cousin in the face with creativity and then kick him in the balls with a big boot made out of determination. Cousin's second opus of the day, considering the program used to create it, is a masterpiece. The line quality is exquisite. The flow is fluid and exciting. The coloration is rich and bursting with flavor. If the old masters could have witnessed this piece they may have given up their folly efforts knowing that true perfection had already been achieved:
Glorious!
Glorious!Justice
My friend Ermaq works as a cop when he is not busy romancing the ladies. He sent me a picture of a recent meth lab bust that he did...I decided to tweak the photo a bit to show the world exactly what was going on in his head during the bust. If you do not understand what is happening then too bad for you.
Inspiration
When inspiration strikes you simply must not hold it back, as demonstrated by Cousin's latest opus using the Paint tool:
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Poor Pluto...
Here is an example of how a simple sand volleyball invite can turn into something much, much more interesting:
Wise J 10/7/2009 10:23 AM
I’ve only got 3 v 3. I’m hesitant to ask anyone else at this point because it will disrupt the balance. If everyone shows we should have some great games.
Tall J 10/7/2009 10:53 AM
Great games? Red Sox vs Yankees 2004 AL championship was a great game. Super Bowl XXII was a great game (So what, I'm a niners fan). Bulls vs. Pistons Game 6 of the 1992 NBA Playoffs was a great game. ...But those games will pale in comparison to the intensity, drunkeness, and bloodshed that I am predicting on the sand tonight! Somebody call ESPN!
Wise J 10/7/2009 11:00 AM
Excuse me… I believe Boston won that series. Therefore it definitely does not qualify as a "great game". Nor was it even mediocre. In fact, I would classify it as down-right dismal.
Tall J 10/7/2009 11:09 AM
I'm pretty sure that championship series was one of the greatest moments in baseball history...too bad your boys had to be on the losing end of it HAHAHAHahahahahaha ahaha haa ahhhhhhhhh.
Wise J 10/7/2009 11:25 AM
That’s because you lack the ‘wisdom’ that I have acquired in direct proportion to the receding of my hairline/advancing age. On the surface you could make the observation that the play was stellar, it was a compelling under-dog story, it was the height of competition in that it went a full seven games and the winning team battled back for 3 games to none, and finally you could even conclude that in all likelihood the better team won in the end….
But it involved Boston and they suck.
So, everything cool that could have happened, didn’t. The "stellar" play becomes "lucky". The under-dog story becomes a tawdry novel about a group of cheaters swindling victory from well deserved defeat. And what should have been an insurmountable 3 game to none lead in the division series get eradicated by an un-just deity who so exhausted by the incessant whines of an entire city that he punished the righteous and removed them from their rightful place on baseball’s throne.
Now you can see how my ‘wisdom’ allows me to reveal to you your error and show you that this in no way imaginable can be construed as one of the greatest moments in sports history…
Although the "J" team comeback last week should get some consideration.
Tall J 10/7/2009 12:23 PM
Your argument is indeed compelling, but you forgot one crucial piece of the equation...I am a Cubs fan. We have an uncanny bullshit detector, emotional grit that could repel a direct nuclear blast, and livers crafted of pure lightning by the God of Thunder Zeus himself.
I understand that you probably were an inch away from having an aneurysm while trying to cope with the tragedy of losing so memorably to a mere wild card team, on national television, and on your own turf. The deafening sigh of defeat uttered simultaneously by every Yankee fan on earth on Oct 20, 2004 actually created an intense cosmic wind shear that tore across our solar system like a David Ortiz homerun ball hit off of then Yankee starting pitcher Kevin Brown. When this wind shear collided with Pluto it actually severed the planet in two, leaving mostly debris and chaos in its wake. On August 24, 2006 the IAU actually declared that Pluto was no longer a planet.
WTF?!?!?! Thank you Yankee fans! Your sobs and gasps actually managed to destroy an entire fricking planet! History and science will never be the same. BUT, I think when the future generations look back and see what has happened and how it was done, they will gladly accept the fate of poor Pluto in exchange for the felling of one of the most vile, depraved, voyeuristic, and corrupt empires since the beginning of known history...the New York Yankees.
I win.
Wise J 10/7/2009 10:23 AM
I’ve only got 3 v 3. I’m hesitant to ask anyone else at this point because it will disrupt the balance. If everyone shows we should have some great games.
Tall J 10/7/2009 10:53 AM
Great games? Red Sox vs Yankees 2004 AL championship was a great game. Super Bowl XXII was a great game (So what, I'm a niners fan). Bulls vs. Pistons Game 6 of the 1992 NBA Playoffs was a great game. ...But those games will pale in comparison to the intensity, drunkeness, and bloodshed that I am predicting on the sand tonight! Somebody call ESPN!
Wise J 10/7/2009 11:00 AM
Excuse me… I believe Boston won that series. Therefore it definitely does not qualify as a "great game". Nor was it even mediocre. In fact, I would classify it as down-right dismal.
Tall J 10/7/2009 11:09 AM
I'm pretty sure that championship series was one of the greatest moments in baseball history...too bad your boys had to be on the losing end of it HAHAHAHahahahahaha ahaha haa ahhhhhhhhh.
Wise J 10/7/2009 11:25 AM
That’s because you lack the ‘wisdom’ that I have acquired in direct proportion to the receding of my hairline/advancing age. On the surface you could make the observation that the play was stellar, it was a compelling under-dog story, it was the height of competition in that it went a full seven games and the winning team battled back for 3 games to none, and finally you could even conclude that in all likelihood the better team won in the end….
But it involved Boston and they suck.
So, everything cool that could have happened, didn’t. The "stellar" play becomes "lucky". The under-dog story becomes a tawdry novel about a group of cheaters swindling victory from well deserved defeat. And what should have been an insurmountable 3 game to none lead in the division series get eradicated by an un-just deity who so exhausted by the incessant whines of an entire city that he punished the righteous and removed them from their rightful place on baseball’s throne.
Now you can see how my ‘wisdom’ allows me to reveal to you your error and show you that this in no way imaginable can be construed as one of the greatest moments in sports history…
Although the "J" team comeback last week should get some consideration.
Tall J 10/7/2009 12:23 PM
Your argument is indeed compelling, but you forgot one crucial piece of the equation...I am a Cubs fan. We have an uncanny bullshit detector, emotional grit that could repel a direct nuclear blast, and livers crafted of pure lightning by the God of Thunder Zeus himself.
I understand that you probably were an inch away from having an aneurysm while trying to cope with the tragedy of losing so memorably to a mere wild card team, on national television, and on your own turf. The deafening sigh of defeat uttered simultaneously by every Yankee fan on earth on Oct 20, 2004 actually created an intense cosmic wind shear that tore across our solar system like a David Ortiz homerun ball hit off of then Yankee starting pitcher Kevin Brown. When this wind shear collided with Pluto it actually severed the planet in two, leaving mostly debris and chaos in its wake. On August 24, 2006 the IAU actually declared that Pluto was no longer a planet.
WTF?!?!?! Thank you Yankee fans! Your sobs and gasps actually managed to destroy an entire fricking planet! History and science will never be the same. BUT, I think when the future generations look back and see what has happened and how it was done, they will gladly accept the fate of poor Pluto in exchange for the felling of one of the most vile, depraved, voyeuristic, and corrupt empires since the beginning of known history...the New York Yankees.
I win.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Dreams
Me... I hate my job
Cousin... I hear ya
Cousin... I need to do something else
Cousin... like away from insurance
Me... I’m starting to think sales would actually be fun
Cousin... I should have went to school to work for the DNR or something
Cousin... work outside
Me... work from...win the lottery
Cousin... That would be the best thing ever
Cousin... I would do whatever the hell I wanted to
Me... which would be absolutely nothing!
Cousin... play video games
Me... yes
Me... ride bikes
Me... throw water balloons
Me... punch midgets
Cousin... kill hookers
Me... drink Kool-Aid
Me... eat pudding pops
Me... pee anywhere
Cousin... light matches and throw them
Me... at people
Cousin... yes
Cousin... hunt for Sasquatch
Me... own a pet monkey
Cousin... go to Disneyworld
Me... get some bling
Cousin... teach the pet monkey to box
Me... make the pet monkey fight DMX
Cousin... drive a monster truck through a car dealership like in roadhouse
Cousin... steal DMX's bling
Me... poop off the sears tower
Cousin... I have to do that right now
Me... dig giant holes in the backyard for no reason at all
Cousin... plow under my cornfield and build a baseball diamond
Me... write a book of memoirs
Me... shoot a bazooka
Cousin... make a snowangel
Cousin... in a pile of cocaine
Me... name a rare species of spider after myself
Cousin... then kill all of them so they are extinct
Me... become a lobbyist
Me... live in a cave for 5 months
Cousin... bring back the McDonald's double cheeseburger
Cousin... steal some kid's bike
Me... and punch him in the stomach
Cousin... find a pirate ship
Me... find a treasure map
Cousin... then steal all of the jewels
Me... rob a bank
Me... have a huge gunfight in the streets
Cousin... shoot my gun in the air
Me... take my shirt off
Cousin... hahahahahaha
Cousin... da boss
Me... and then go fishing with a six pack
Cousin... I hear ya
Cousin... I need to do something else
Cousin... like away from insurance
Me... I’m starting to think sales would actually be fun
Cousin... I should have went to school to work for the DNR or something
Cousin... work outside
Me... work from...win the lottery
Cousin... That would be the best thing ever
Cousin... I would do whatever the hell I wanted to
Me... which would be absolutely nothing!
Cousin... play video games
Me... yes
Me... ride bikes
Me... throw water balloons
Me... punch midgets
Cousin... kill hookers
Me... drink Kool-Aid
Me... eat pudding pops
Me... pee anywhere
Cousin... light matches and throw them
Me... at people
Cousin... yes
Cousin... hunt for Sasquatch
Me... own a pet monkey
Cousin... go to Disneyworld
Me... get some bling
Cousin... teach the pet monkey to box
Me... make the pet monkey fight DMX
Cousin... drive a monster truck through a car dealership like in roadhouse
Cousin... steal DMX's bling
Me... poop off the sears tower
Cousin... I have to do that right now
Me... dig giant holes in the backyard for no reason at all
Cousin... plow under my cornfield and build a baseball diamond
Me... write a book of memoirs
Me... shoot a bazooka
Cousin... make a snowangel
Cousin... in a pile of cocaine
Me... name a rare species of spider after myself
Cousin... then kill all of them so they are extinct
Me... become a lobbyist
Me... live in a cave for 5 months
Cousin... bring back the McDonald's double cheeseburger
Cousin... steal some kid's bike
Me... and punch him in the stomach
Cousin... find a pirate ship
Me... find a treasure map
Cousin... then steal all of the jewels
Me... rob a bank
Me... have a huge gunfight in the streets
Cousin... shoot my gun in the air
Me... take my shirt off
Cousin... hahahahahaha
Cousin... da boss
Me... and then go fishing with a six pack
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
The Glorious Interwebz
Long one here. Its chock full of truth, justice, heroic deeds, and all that other stuff. The average internet troller has roughly the intelligence level of a 5yr old, the imagination of a wooden stump, and the energy of 50 cans of Rockstar energy drink. [edit: For those who don't know, Omegle.com is a chat site that instantly makes you talk to a complete stranger from somewhere in the world. This can be a recipe for many different things for many different people, but for me it is just a way to help make the time go by faster at work] Enjoy:
Omegle.com
2890 users online
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: "asl" is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
Stranger: PHUCK!
Stranger: How are you?
Stranger: proof your real
Stranger: say I heart penis
You: You are full of energy
Stranger: lmfao
You: and you spelled 'prove' wrong
Stranger: so!
Stranger: DONT JUDGE ME!
You: you are right, I shouldn't cast stones
Stranger: True.
Stranger: Cause I cast mofo bolders!
You: lol
Stranger: haha
Stranger: you touched my talala!
Stranger: MY DINGDINGDON!
Stranger: dong*
You: 92% of conversations on here start with people saying 'cock'
Stranger: I rather say
Stranger: panis =
Stranger: =]
Stranger: HAHA
Stranger: cause panis is like soo much FUNNIER!
You: The interwebz iz a strnage place
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: thats ok
Stranger: I have my boxers pulled up so high they go over my man boobs!
Stranger: W00T!
You: lol
Stranger: I totaly got a banana hamic going on here!
You: That is fantastic!
Stranger: I KNOW RIGHT?!?!
Stranger: its soo comfy!
You: I find them restrictive
Stranger: ahh
Stranger: well I have a tiny penis you see.
You: ah, room for improvement
Stranger: yup
Stranger: Its ok
You: strnage
Stranger: FUCK!
Stranger: MY PHONE IS FUCKING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: shit >>
You: I wouldn't know
Stranger: your right!
Stranger: lol
Stranger: I just restarted it =]
Stranger: cause im a mofo beast!
You: Let me guess, sprint?
Stranger: fuck no!
Stranger: AT&T
You: iphone?
Stranger: naw
Stranger: the new samsung 'The Jack'
You: mmmmm pepperjack
Stranger: yup
Stranger: its smexy as hell!
You: when its working
Stranger: true.
Stranger: Wow, haven my boxes pulled this high is really letting em air out, and im getting a bad whiff of NUTZ!
You: I just ice blocked straight through that comment
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: well
Stranger: I'm just letting you know!
Stranger: gawshhh
Stranger: YAY!
Stranger: phone works nowwwwwwwww
Stranger: beast!
Stranger: SUPA FREAK!
Stranger: SUPA FREAKY!
You: spell reflect, double NUTZ for ya face
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: um?
Stranger: totaly?
Stranger: WTF?!?!
You: Thats what I've been thinking this whole time too
Stranger: really now
Stranger: You have no life!
Stranger: haha!
You: that would be impossible for you to know
Stranger: no it wouldnt
Stranger: Due to the fac that I am you!
Stranger: fact*
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: you fail a lot!
You: very interesting
You: I see the truth of it
Stranger: Yes, very.
Stranger: very intriguing.
You: These internets are very powerful indeed
You: you just peered into my soul
Stranger: yes.
Stranger: I know.
Stranger: Deep stuff huh?
You: Are you a prophet?
Stranger: No
Stranger: Prophets are me.
You: Your clairvoyance is astounding
Stranger: Thank you.
You: you are welcome
Stranger: They don't call me chuck norris for nothing!
You: They call me Bill Brasky
You: I wear live rattlesnakes for condoms
Stranger: Ahh
Stranger: wow
Stranger: what a G!
Stranger: I'm so bad, fuck!
Stranger: I forgot the rest...
Stranger: thats how bad I am!
You: Michael Jackson even wrote a song about uit
You: *it
Stranger: I know this.
Stranger: I know all.
Stranger: All I know.
You: profound
Stranger: very.
You: The universe is your acorn
Stranger: no
Stranger: its my rosemarry.
You: Rosemary's Baby directed by Robert Evans?
Stranger: close.
Stranger: very close.
Stranger: more along the lines of RUSH.
You: Ah, now I understand
Stranger: very good mortal.
You: You are in the Limelight
Stranger: not at the moment.
Stranger: I'm in the crosshairs.
You: of the Germans?
Stranger: no
Stranger: I am German.
Stranger: I am asian
Stranger: I am Irish
Stranger: I am Indian
Stranger: I am all.
Stranger: no fuckin nigger though
You: In the crosshairs...of the media megaconglomerates?
Stranger: no
Stranger: In the crosshairs of socialism
Stranger: the fall of man kind as we know it.
Stranger: The one you call Obama
Stranger: Is the second comming of the AntiChrist.
You: Truth is stranger than fiction
Stranger: Truth is harder to Believe then fiction.
Stranger: Let your mind free.
Stranger: Lucid shall you become.
Stranger: Do not give Into the powers of the antichrist.
You: So, Obama is going to lead us in a worldwide genocide?
Stranger: YoYYou have been warned.
You: hmmm, I don't feel very murderous though. In fact, my 401k has almost doubled in the last four months.
Stranger: just wait...
Stranger: when time feels almost as bliss
Stranger: is when the true bein shall arise.
You: ...The calm before the storm...
Stranger: AH HELL NAW!
Stranger: the calm befor the nigger lover!
Stranger: FUCK! im bored!
You: it would appear we both are in the same predicament
Stranger: yes.
Stranger: Lol
Stranger: you seem to have a pretty vast vocabulary.
Stranger: Why on earth are you on here?
Stranger: seem intelegent enoguh lol
Stranger: enough*
You: amusement
Stranger: Ahh
Stranger: fair enough.
Stranger: Same.
Stranger: I just like fucking with people.
Stranger: HAHA
Stranger: Add them on myspace/facebook
Stranger: then delete them and call em ugly as fuck!
Stranger: and shit =]
You: So far I have gathered that you are smelling your own balls, and you think you are a god of some sort. Its all pretty fascinating
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: great observation!
Stranger: but flawed logic my good sir.
Stranger: FUCK!
Stranger: I needa learn how to spell
Stranger: haha
You: bah
Stranger: its bad when your a sphmore in college and cant spell for shit!
You: yes
Stranger: sophmore*
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: thank for for spell check on my microsoft office!
You: it has saved many college lives
Stranger: yup.
Stranger: I would be doomed!
Stranger: plus my dragon naturally speaking 10.0
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: I should pop that bitch in
Stranger: haha
You: you speak dragon?
Stranger: yes.
You: 10.0
Stranger: yup
Stranger: who doesnt?
You: I only speak dragon v7.2.4
Stranger: lmfao foreal?
Stranger: fag!
Stranger: upgrade dat shit
Stranger: nigga
You: Guess I am getting old
Stranger: very!
Stranger: v10.0
Stranger: has soo many neat features!
You: flame breaths?
Stranger: its more userfriendly
Stranger: yup
Stranger: and total dommination
Stranger: thats always a plus!
You: shit, I need to get some of that total domination upgrade
Stranger: fuck yeah you do!
Stranger: ITS THE SHIT!
Stranger: no lie!
Stranger: lfmao
Stranger: welp fuckin cunt nugget.
Stranger: I have class here in an hour.
You: I'll just walk around like fucking Trogdor
Stranger: So i needa get ready.
Stranger: wtf!
Stranger: you play runescape too?!?!
You: no, its from homestarrunner.com
Stranger: ohh
Stranger: fuck that shit!
Stranger: peace nigga!
Stranger: have fun trolling!
Stranger: I KNOW I DO!
Stranger: AND ITS LATER BITCH!
Stranger: hahah!
Stranger: FUCKIN GOT ONE ON YOUR ASS!
Stranger: FINALY!
You: OUT MOTHERBITCHCOCKFUCK
Stranger: yay!
Stranger: CUNT NUGGET!
Omegle.com
2890 users online
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: "asl" is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!
Stranger: PHUCK!
Stranger: How are you?
Stranger: proof your real
Stranger: say I heart penis
You: You are full of energy
Stranger: lmfao
You: and you spelled 'prove' wrong
Stranger: so!
Stranger: DONT JUDGE ME!
You: you are right, I shouldn't cast stones
Stranger: True.
Stranger: Cause I cast mofo bolders!
You: lol
Stranger: haha
Stranger: you touched my talala!
Stranger: MY DINGDINGDON!
Stranger: dong*
You: 92% of conversations on here start with people saying 'cock'
Stranger: I rather say
Stranger: panis =
Stranger: =]
Stranger: HAHA
Stranger: cause panis is like soo much FUNNIER!
You: The interwebz iz a strnage place
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: thats ok
Stranger: I have my boxers pulled up so high they go over my man boobs!
Stranger: W00T!
You: lol
Stranger: I totaly got a banana hamic going on here!
You: That is fantastic!
Stranger: I KNOW RIGHT?!?!
Stranger: its soo comfy!
You: I find them restrictive
Stranger: ahh
Stranger: well I have a tiny penis you see.
You: ah, room for improvement
Stranger: yup
Stranger: Its ok
You: strnage
Stranger: FUCK!
Stranger: MY PHONE IS FUCKING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: shit >>
You: I wouldn't know
Stranger: your right!
Stranger: lol
Stranger: I just restarted it =]
Stranger: cause im a mofo beast!
You: Let me guess, sprint?
Stranger: fuck no!
Stranger: AT&T
You: iphone?
Stranger: naw
Stranger: the new samsung 'The Jack'
You: mmmmm pepperjack
Stranger: yup
Stranger: its smexy as hell!
You: when its working
Stranger: true.
Stranger: Wow, haven my boxes pulled this high is really letting em air out, and im getting a bad whiff of NUTZ!
You: I just ice blocked straight through that comment
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: well
Stranger: I'm just letting you know!
Stranger: gawshhh
Stranger: YAY!
Stranger: phone works nowwwwwwwww
Stranger: beast!
Stranger: SUPA FREAK!
Stranger: SUPA FREAKY!
You: spell reflect, double NUTZ for ya face
Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: um?
Stranger: totaly?
Stranger: WTF?!?!
You: Thats what I've been thinking this whole time too
Stranger: really now
Stranger: You have no life!
Stranger: haha!
You: that would be impossible for you to know
Stranger: no it wouldnt
Stranger: Due to the fac that I am you!
Stranger: fact*
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: you fail a lot!
You: very interesting
You: I see the truth of it
Stranger: Yes, very.
Stranger: very intriguing.
You: These internets are very powerful indeed
You: you just peered into my soul
Stranger: yes.
Stranger: I know.
Stranger: Deep stuff huh?
You: Are you a prophet?
Stranger: No
Stranger: Prophets are me.
You: Your clairvoyance is astounding
Stranger: Thank you.
You: you are welcome
Stranger: They don't call me chuck norris for nothing!
You: They call me Bill Brasky
You: I wear live rattlesnakes for condoms
Stranger: Ahh
Stranger: wow
Stranger: what a G!
Stranger: I'm so bad, fuck!
Stranger: I forgot the rest...
Stranger: thats how bad I am!
You: Michael Jackson even wrote a song about uit
You: *it
Stranger: I know this.
Stranger: I know all.
Stranger: All I know.
You: profound
Stranger: very.
You: The universe is your acorn
Stranger: no
Stranger: its my rosemarry.
You: Rosemary's Baby directed by Robert Evans?
Stranger: close.
Stranger: very close.
Stranger: more along the lines of RUSH.
You: Ah, now I understand
Stranger: very good mortal.
You: You are in the Limelight
Stranger: not at the moment.
Stranger: I'm in the crosshairs.
You: of the Germans?
Stranger: no
Stranger: I am German.
Stranger: I am asian
Stranger: I am Irish
Stranger: I am Indian
Stranger: I am all.
Stranger: no fuckin nigger though
You: In the crosshairs...of the media megaconglomerates?
Stranger: no
Stranger: In the crosshairs of socialism
Stranger: the fall of man kind as we know it.
Stranger: The one you call Obama
Stranger: Is the second comming of the AntiChrist.
You: Truth is stranger than fiction
Stranger: Truth is harder to Believe then fiction.
Stranger: Let your mind free.
Stranger: Lucid shall you become.
Stranger: Do not give Into the powers of the antichrist.
You: So, Obama is going to lead us in a worldwide genocide?
Stranger: YoYYou have been warned.
You: hmmm, I don't feel very murderous though. In fact, my 401k has almost doubled in the last four months.
Stranger: just wait...
Stranger: when time feels almost as bliss
Stranger: is when the true bein shall arise.
You: ...The calm before the storm...
Stranger: AH HELL NAW!
Stranger: the calm befor the nigger lover!
Stranger: FUCK! im bored!
You: it would appear we both are in the same predicament
Stranger: yes.
Stranger: Lol
Stranger: you seem to have a pretty vast vocabulary.
Stranger: Why on earth are you on here?
Stranger: seem intelegent enoguh lol
Stranger: enough*
You: amusement
Stranger: Ahh
Stranger: fair enough.
Stranger: Same.
Stranger: I just like fucking with people.
Stranger: HAHA
Stranger: Add them on myspace/facebook
Stranger: then delete them and call em ugly as fuck!
Stranger: and shit =]
You: So far I have gathered that you are smelling your own balls, and you think you are a god of some sort. Its all pretty fascinating
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: great observation!
Stranger: but flawed logic my good sir.
Stranger: FUCK!
Stranger: I needa learn how to spell
Stranger: haha
You: bah
Stranger: its bad when your a sphmore in college and cant spell for shit!
You: yes
Stranger: sophmore*
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: thank for for spell check on my microsoft office!
You: it has saved many college lives
Stranger: yup.
Stranger: I would be doomed!
Stranger: plus my dragon naturally speaking 10.0
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: I should pop that bitch in
Stranger: haha
You: you speak dragon?
Stranger: yes.
You: 10.0
Stranger: yup
Stranger: who doesnt?
You: I only speak dragon v7.2.4
Stranger: lmfao foreal?
Stranger: fag!
Stranger: upgrade dat shit
Stranger: nigga
You: Guess I am getting old
Stranger: very!
Stranger: v10.0
Stranger: has soo many neat features!
You: flame breaths?
Stranger: its more userfriendly
Stranger: yup
Stranger: and total dommination
Stranger: thats always a plus!
You: shit, I need to get some of that total domination upgrade
Stranger: fuck yeah you do!
Stranger: ITS THE SHIT!
Stranger: no lie!
Stranger: lfmao
Stranger: welp fuckin cunt nugget.
Stranger: I have class here in an hour.
You: I'll just walk around like fucking Trogdor
Stranger: So i needa get ready.
Stranger: wtf!
Stranger: you play runescape too?!?!
You: no, its from homestarrunner.com
Stranger: ohh
Stranger: fuck that shit!
Stranger: peace nigga!
Stranger: have fun trolling!
Stranger: I KNOW I DO!
Stranger: AND ITS LATER BITCH!
Stranger: hahah!
Stranger: FUCKIN GOT ONE ON YOUR ASS!
Stranger: FINALY!
You: OUT MOTHERBITCHCOCKFUCK
Stranger: yay!
Stranger: CUNT NUGGET!
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Generosity
(I sent an email to Cousin with two songs attached that I have been listening to a lot lately: 25 and Saddr Weirdr)
Me... Check your email.
Cousin... I just did.
Cousin... I really like the first one.
Me... Its one of the songs on the new Bomb the Music Industry album.
Me... ...and they are coming to Phoenix next thurs. I am pumped.
Cousin... That is awesome. Where are they playing?
Me... Some small hole in the wall bar. I don't think anyone here knows who they are so there will probly be 20 people total in the audience...me included. Gonna be awesome because I'm going to get drunk as shit with them after the show.
Cousin... Drink them under the table.
Me... Without question.
Me... They will not make it to their next show.
Cousin... I want to see it on the news.
Cousin... "Iowa man outdrinks rockstars and one ends up in the hospital."
Me... You mean: "Rockstars end up in hospital, Iowa man found howling at the moon naked on the top of Camelback Mountain."
Cousin... It all starts with taking the shirt off.
Me... I find it selfish to keep all my beautiful chest hair covered up when others might find enjoyment in seeing it also...
Me... I am a man of the people.
Cousin... You are a generous and giving man. Like Santa Claus.
Me... Spreading cheer and pain equally...
Me... Check your email.
Cousin... I just did.
Cousin... I really like the first one.
Me... Its one of the songs on the new Bomb the Music Industry album.
Me... ...and they are coming to Phoenix next thurs. I am pumped.
Cousin... That is awesome. Where are they playing?
Me... Some small hole in the wall bar. I don't think anyone here knows who they are so there will probly be 20 people total in the audience...me included. Gonna be awesome because I'm going to get drunk as shit with them after the show.
Cousin... Drink them under the table.
Me... Without question.
Me... They will not make it to their next show.
Cousin... I want to see it on the news.
Cousin... "Iowa man outdrinks rockstars and one ends up in the hospital."
Me... You mean: "Rockstars end up in hospital, Iowa man found howling at the moon naked on the top of Camelback Mountain."
Cousin... It all starts with taking the shirt off.
Me... I find it selfish to keep all my beautiful chest hair covered up when others might find enjoyment in seeing it also...
Me... I am a man of the people.
Cousin... You are a generous and giving man. Like Santa Claus.
Me... Spreading cheer and pain equally...
Snickity Schnack
(A short conversation we had after reading some posts on http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/)
Cousin... I stole a roasted chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake and ate it in the bathroom stall
Me... Reminds me a lot of myself...
Me... I stole three steaks out of a chicks freezer after i porked her.
Cousin... You are a talented man.
Cousin... You should post that one up on that site!!!
Me... I operate almost purely on instinct.
Cousin... like a wolf in the wild.
Me... I have been reffered as "The Wolfman" many times...
Me... Some circles call me the Wolverine.
Cousin... SNICKITY SCHNACK BERSERKER ATTACK!
Me... bong
Cousin... I stole a roasted chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake and ate it in the bathroom stall
Me... Reminds me a lot of myself...
Me... I stole three steaks out of a chicks freezer after i porked her.
Cousin... You are a talented man.
Cousin... You should post that one up on that site!!!
Me... I operate almost purely on instinct.
Cousin... like a wolf in the wild.
Me... I have been reffered as "The Wolfman" many times...
Me... Some circles call me the Wolverine.
Cousin... SNICKITY SCHNACK BERSERKER ATTACK!
Me... bong
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Considerate
Cousin... Did you see transformers yet?
Me... Didn’t even know it was out yet.
Cousin... It came out last night.
Me... Did it explode your internal organs?
Cousin... I took friday off and Cousin#2 and I are going Thursday night.
Me... I see.
Cousin... I have heard that it will melt your face off and then burn you skull until it is nothing but dust.
Me... Who needs a skull anyway?
Cousin... Then it will pee on your skull to put out the flames.
Me... Well, at least it is considerate.
Cousin... Exactly.
Me... Didn’t even know it was out yet.
Cousin... It came out last night.
Me... Did it explode your internal organs?
Cousin... I took friday off and Cousin#2 and I are going Thursday night.
Me... I see.
Cousin... I have heard that it will melt your face off and then burn you skull until it is nothing but dust.
Me... Who needs a skull anyway?
Cousin... Then it will pee on your skull to put out the flames.
Me... Well, at least it is considerate.
Cousin... Exactly.
The Gift
(My cousin and I talking about our other cousin)
Me... How would he react if i got him a subscribtion to Hustler but didnt tell him, then he would just start getting titty mags every month?
Cousin... He would think it was God's work.
Cousin... Then probably quit his job and move to Vegas or California to be a porn director.
Me... That is exactly how I envisioned his reaction too.
Cousin... He would then bridge the gap between mainstream cinema and porn and would become the first director to win an Oscar for porn direction.
Me... Indeed.
Cousin... In his acceptance speech he will thank you for giving him his first porn mag. He will then state that movies are all about great plot and dialogue first, huge dicks and tits come a close second.
Me... boobs
Cousin... gotta love em
Me... He will shoot an artsy, tear-jerking, epic porno...
Me... about the solidarity of mankind.
Me... A true coming of age tale.
Me... A masterpiece of modern cinema.
Me... The next Gone With The Wind.
Me... ...but with tits.
Cousin... I can see the movie endorsements on the poster now. "I cried, I laughed, I got slapped in the face with 34dd 3d boobs" --Steven Speilberg
Me... "I never felt more emotionally connected with my boner." --Steven Colbert
Cousin... "It's the first movie where I didn't shut it off after I blew my load" --Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me... "The climax was breathtaking...literally, I accidentally blew my load in my nose and mouth and almost drowned." --LeBron James
Cousin... I just pissed my pants.
Me... How would he react if i got him a subscribtion to Hustler but didnt tell him, then he would just start getting titty mags every month?
Cousin... He would think it was God's work.
Cousin... Then probably quit his job and move to Vegas or California to be a porn director.
Me... That is exactly how I envisioned his reaction too.
Cousin... He would then bridge the gap between mainstream cinema and porn and would become the first director to win an Oscar for porn direction.
Me... Indeed.
Cousin... In his acceptance speech he will thank you for giving him his first porn mag. He will then state that movies are all about great plot and dialogue first, huge dicks and tits come a close second.
Me... boobs
Cousin... gotta love em
Me... He will shoot an artsy, tear-jerking, epic porno...
Me... about the solidarity of mankind.
Me... A true coming of age tale.
Me... A masterpiece of modern cinema.
Me... The next Gone With The Wind.
Me... ...but with tits.
Cousin... I can see the movie endorsements on the poster now. "I cried, I laughed, I got slapped in the face with 34dd 3d boobs" --Steven Speilberg
Me... "I never felt more emotionally connected with my boner." --Steven Colbert
Cousin... "It's the first movie where I didn't shut it off after I blew my load" --Arnold Schwarzenegger
Me... "The climax was breathtaking...literally, I accidentally blew my load in my nose and mouth and almost drowned." --LeBron James
Cousin... I just pissed my pants.
The End
Me... I need a Wii, that new Punch-Out game is going to change the world, maybe even rip a hole in the space-time continuum...
Cousin... F'n Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Jack Burton, Ivan Drago, Rocky Balboa, Snake Plissken, Rambo, Conan, and Bill Braskey will simoultaneously appear and have a battle royal to the death where there can be only one!
Cousin... It will be the end of the world
Me... That is exactly how i envisioned the world ending too...
Cousin... F'n Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Jack Burton, Ivan Drago, Rocky Balboa, Snake Plissken, Rambo, Conan, and Bill Braskey will simoultaneously appear and have a battle royal to the death where there can be only one!
Cousin... It will be the end of the world
Me... That is exactly how i envisioned the world ending too...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
