The Glorious Interwebz

Long one here. Its chock full of truth, justice, heroic deeds, and all that other stuff. The average internet troller has roughly the intelligence level of a 5yr old, the imagination of a wooden stump, and the energy of 50 cans of Rockstar energy drink. [edit: For those who don't know, Omegle.com is a chat site that instantly makes you talk to a complete stranger from somewhere in the world. This can be a recipe for many different things for many different people, but for me it is just a way to help make the time go by faster at work] Enjoy:



Omegle.com
2890 users online
Connecting to server...
Looking for someone you can chat with. Hang on.
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
A word of advice: "asl" is boring. Please find something more interesting to talk about!

Stranger: PHUCK!
Stranger: How are you?
Stranger: proof your real
Stranger: say I heart penis

You: You are full of energy

Stranger: lmfao

You: and you spelled 'prove' wrong

Stranger: so!
Stranger: DONT JUDGE ME!

You: you are right, I shouldn't cast stones

Stranger: True.
Stranger: Cause I cast mofo bolders!

You: lol

Stranger: haha
Stranger: you touched my talala!
Stranger: MY DINGDINGDON!
Stranger: dong*

You: 92% of conversations on here start with people saying 'cock'

Stranger: I rather say
Stranger: panis =
Stranger: =]
Stranger: HAHA
Stranger: cause panis is like soo much FUNNIER!

You: The interwebz iz a strnage place

Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: thats ok
Stranger: I have my boxers pulled up so high they go over my man boobs!
Stranger: W00T!

You: lol

Stranger: I totaly got a banana hamic going on here!

You: That is fantastic!

Stranger: I KNOW RIGHT?!?!
Stranger: its soo comfy!

You: I find them restrictive

Stranger: ahh
Stranger: well I have a tiny penis you see.

You: ah, room for improvement

Stranger: yup
Stranger: Its ok

You: strnage

Stranger: FUCK!
Stranger: MY PHONE IS FUCKING UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stranger: shit >>

You: I wouldn't know

Stranger: your right!
Stranger: lol
Stranger: I just restarted it =]
Stranger: cause im a mofo beast!

You: Let me guess, sprint?

Stranger: fuck no!
Stranger: AT&T

You: iphone?

Stranger: naw
Stranger: the new samsung 'The Jack'

You: mmmmm pepperjack

Stranger: yup
Stranger: its smexy as hell!

You: when its working

Stranger: true.
Stranger: Wow, haven my boxes pulled this high is really letting em air out, and im getting a bad whiff of NUTZ!

You: I just ice blocked straight through that comment

Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: well
Stranger: I'm just letting you know!
Stranger: gawshhh
Stranger: YAY!
Stranger: phone works nowwwwwwwww
Stranger: beast!
Stranger: SUPA FREAK!
Stranger: SUPA FREAKY!

You: spell reflect, double NUTZ for ya face

Stranger: Yeah
Stranger: um?
Stranger: totaly?
Stranger: WTF?!?!

You: Thats what I've been thinking this whole time too

Stranger: really now
Stranger: You have no life!
Stranger: haha!

You: that would be impossible for you to know

Stranger: no it wouldnt
Stranger: Due to the fac that I am you!
Stranger: fact*
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: you fail a lot!

You: very interesting
You: I see the truth of it

Stranger: Yes, very.
Stranger: very intriguing.

You: These internets are very powerful indeed
You: you just peered into my soul

Stranger: yes.
Stranger: I know.
Stranger: Deep stuff huh?

You: Are you a prophet?

Stranger: No
Stranger: Prophets are me.

You: Your clairvoyance is astounding

Stranger: Thank you.

You: you are welcome

Stranger: They don't call me chuck norris for nothing!

You: They call me Bill Brasky
You: I wear live rattlesnakes for condoms

Stranger: Ahh
Stranger: wow
Stranger: what a G!
Stranger: I'm so bad, fuck!
Stranger: I forgot the rest...
Stranger: thats how bad I am!

You: Michael Jackson even wrote a song about uit
You: *it

Stranger: I know this.
Stranger: I know all.
Stranger: All I know.

You: profound

Stranger: very.

You: The universe is your acorn

Stranger: no
Stranger: its my rosemarry.

You: Rosemary's Baby directed by Robert Evans?

Stranger: close.
Stranger: very close.
Stranger: more along the lines of RUSH.

You: Ah, now I understand

Stranger: very good mortal.

You: You are in the Limelight

Stranger: not at the moment.
Stranger: I'm in the crosshairs.

You: of the Germans?

Stranger: no
Stranger: I am German.
Stranger: I am asian
Stranger: I am Irish
Stranger: I am Indian
Stranger: I am all.
Stranger: no fuckin nigger though

You: In the crosshairs...of the media megaconglomerates?

Stranger: no
Stranger: In the crosshairs of socialism
Stranger: the fall of man kind as we know it.
Stranger: The one you call Obama
Stranger: Is the second comming of the AntiChrist.

You: Truth is stranger than fiction

Stranger: Truth is harder to Believe then fiction.
Stranger: Let your mind free.
Stranger: Lucid shall you become.
Stranger: Do not give Into the powers of the antichrist.

You: So, Obama is going to lead us in a worldwide genocide?

Stranger: YoYYou have been warned.

You: hmmm, I don't feel very murderous though. In fact, my 401k has almost doubled in the last four months.

Stranger: just wait...
Stranger: when time feels almost as bliss
Stranger: is when the true bein shall arise.

You: ...The calm before the storm...

Stranger: AH HELL NAW!
Stranger: the calm befor the nigger lover!
Stranger: FUCK! im bored!

You: it would appear we both are in the same predicament

Stranger: yes.
Stranger: Lol
Stranger: you seem to have a pretty vast vocabulary.
Stranger: Why on earth are you on here?
Stranger: seem intelegent enoguh lol
Stranger: enough*

You: amusement

Stranger: Ahh
Stranger: fair enough.
Stranger: Same.
Stranger: I just like fucking with people.
Stranger: HAHA
Stranger: Add them on myspace/facebook
Stranger: then delete them and call em ugly as fuck!
Stranger: and shit =]

You: So far I have gathered that you are smelling your own balls, and you think you are a god of some sort. Its all pretty fascinating

Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: great observation!
Stranger: but flawed logic my good sir.
Stranger: FUCK!
Stranger: I needa learn how to spell
Stranger: haha

You: bah

Stranger: its bad when your a sphmore in college and cant spell for shit!

You: yes

Stranger: sophmore*
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: fuck
Stranger: thank for for spell check on my microsoft office!

You: it has saved many college lives

Stranger: yup.
Stranger: I would be doomed!
Stranger: plus my dragon naturally speaking 10.0
Stranger: lmfao
Stranger: I should pop that bitch in
Stranger: haha

You: you speak dragon?

Stranger: yes.

You: 10.0

Stranger: yup
Stranger: who doesnt?

You: I only speak dragon v7.2.4

Stranger: lmfao foreal?
Stranger: fag!
Stranger: upgrade dat shit
Stranger: nigga

You: Guess I am getting old

Stranger: very!
Stranger: v10.0
Stranger: has soo many neat features!

You: flame breaths?

Stranger: its more userfriendly
Stranger: yup
Stranger: and total dommination
Stranger: thats always a plus!

You: shit, I need to get some of that total domination upgrade

Stranger: fuck yeah you do!
Stranger: ITS THE SHIT!
Stranger: no lie!
Stranger: lfmao
Stranger: welp fuckin cunt nugget.
Stranger: I have class here in an hour.

You: I'll just walk around like fucking Trogdor

Stranger: So i needa get ready.
Stranger: wtf!
Stranger: you play runescape too?!?!

You: no, its from homestarrunner.com

Stranger: ohh
Stranger: fuck that shit!
Stranger: peace nigga!
Stranger: have fun trolling!
Stranger: I KNOW I DO!
Stranger: AND ITS LATER BITCH!
Stranger: hahah!
Stranger: FUCKIN GOT ONE ON YOUR ASS!
Stranger: FINALY!

You: OUT MOTHERBITCHCOCKFUCK

Stranger: yay!
Stranger: CUNT NUGGET!

Generosity

(I sent an email to Cousin with two songs attached that I have been listening to a lot lately: 25 and Saddr Weirdr)


Me... Check your email.

Cousin... I just did.
Cousin... I really like the first one.

Me... Its one of the songs on the new Bomb the Music Industry album.
Me... ...and they are coming to Phoenix next thurs. I am pumped.

Cousin... That is awesome. Where are they playing?

Me... Some small hole in the wall bar. I don't think anyone here knows who they are so there will probly be 20 people total in the audience...me included. Gonna be awesome because I'm going to get drunk as shit with them after the show.

Cousin... Drink them under the table.

Me... Without question.
Me... They will not make it to their next show.

Cousin... I want to see it on the news.
Cousin... "Iowa man outdrinks rockstars and one ends up in the hospital."

Me... You mean: "Rockstars end up in hospital, Iowa man found howling at the moon naked on the top of Camelback Mountain."

Cousin... It all starts with taking the shirt off.

Me... I find it selfish to keep all my beautiful chest hair covered up when others might find enjoyment in seeing it also...
Me... I am a man of the people.

Cousin... You are a generous and giving man. Like Santa Claus.

Me... Spreading cheer and pain equally...

Snickity Schnack

(A short conversation we had after reading some posts on http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/)


Cousin... I stole a roasted chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake and ate it in the bathroom stall

Me... Reminds me a lot of myself...
Me... I stole three steaks out of a chicks freezer after i porked her.

Cousin... You are a talented man.
Cousin... You should post that one up on that site!!!

Me... I operate almost purely on instinct.

Cousin... like a wolf in the wild.

Me... I have been reffered as "The Wolfman" many times...
Me... Some circles call me the Wolverine.

Cousin... SNICKITY SCHNACK BERSERKER ATTACK!

Me... bong

The Masterworks

Cousin demonstrates his impeccable Paint ability:

Considerate

Cousin... Did you see transformers yet?

Me... Didn’t even know it was out yet.

Cousin... It came out last night.

Me... Did it explode your internal organs?

Cousin... I took friday off and Cousin#2 and I are going Thursday night.

Me... I see.

Cousin... I have heard that it will melt your face off and then burn you skull until it is nothing but dust.

Me... Who needs a skull anyway?

Cousin... Then it will pee on your skull to put out the flames.

Me... Well, at least it is considerate.

Cousin... Exactly.

The Gift

(My cousin and I talking about our other cousin)


Me... How would he react if i got him a subscribtion to Hustler but didnt tell him, then he would just start getting titty mags every month?

Cousin... He would think it was God's work.
Cousin... Then probably quit his job and move to Vegas or California to be a porn director.

Me... That is exactly how I envisioned his reaction too.

Cousin... He would then bridge the gap between mainstream cinema and porn and would become the first director to win an Oscar for porn direction.

Me... Indeed.

Cousin... In his acceptance speech he will thank you for giving him his first porn mag. He will then state that movies are all about great plot and dialogue first, huge dicks and tits come a close second.

Me... boobs

Cousin... gotta love em

Me... He will shoot an artsy, tear-jerking, epic porno...
Me... about the solidarity of mankind.
Me... A true coming of age tale.
Me... A masterpiece of modern cinema.
Me... The next Gone With The Wind.
Me... ...but with tits.

Cousin... I can see the movie endorsements on the poster now. "I cried, I laughed, I got slapped in the face with 34dd 3d boobs" --Steven Speilberg

Me... "I never felt more emotionally connected with my boner." --Steven Colbert

Cousin... "It's the first movie where I didn't shut it off after I blew my load" --Arnold Schwarzenegger

Me... "The climax was breathtaking...literally, I accidentally blew my load in my nose and mouth and almost drowned." --LeBron James

Cousin... I just pissed my pants.

The End

Me... I need a Wii, that new Punch-Out game is going to change the world, maybe even rip a hole in the space-time continuum...

Cousin... F'n Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Jack Burton, Ivan Drago, Rocky Balboa, Snake Plissken, Rambo, Conan, and Bill Braskey will simoultaneously appear and have a battle royal to the death where there can be only one!

Cousin... It will be the end of the world

Me... That is exactly how i envisioned the world ending too...